Wrestling with demons: Veterans share their experiences of battling PTSD, addiction, suicidal thoughts

That’s especially true for Ben Evenson and Sam Lovdahl.

To mark Mental Health Awareness Month, the two Veterans shared the struggles they faced after serving — battles that included post-traumatic stress disorder, drug/alcohol addiction and attempted suicide.

The presentation, dubbed “Wrestling with Demons” because Evenson is now a professional wrestler and Lovdahl wrestled in high school, took place under a covered pavilion on a chilly, overcast day on the Milwaukee VA campus.

But the setting was apropos, Evenson said.

“Even though it's a (crappy) day out and it's raining, the sun is still shining, 1,500 feet above us,” he said. “It's the outlook on which you look at life that determines the outcome of where you're going and where you are now.”

Battling the darkness

Evenson found his sunshine after battling a darkness that nearly consumed him.

As an athlete and top student in high school, Evenson entered the U.S. Army in top physical and mental condition. He became an Army Ranger, quickly assuming leadership roles.

But a back injury forced him out of the military. And the spiral into darkness began.

“I had this rage inside me,” he said, noting that it wasn’t long before he started drinking and doing drugs. “I felt betrayed by my brothers, betrayed by my family, and nobody could understand what I was going through.”

While he was in the Army, Evenson said he could channel that rage into his assignments and missions — “doing bad things for good reasons,” he said. But outside the military, Evenson had no outlet. “I just didn’t understand why the world was so broken and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it,” he said.

Before long, Evenson’s entire paycheck was going toward alcohol and drugs. And thoughts of suicide started creeping into his brain.

“I had this demon, this rage … and I was just going to feed it and let it consume the world,” he said.

But the birth of his son 11 years ago brought a new perspective. “He is one of the primary reasons I am here today,” he said, choking back tears. “When he was born, that was my whole mission.”

He contacted the Milwaukee VA, which helped him beat his addictions and find a way toward the light — though it wasn’t as simple as that. Evenson said he was in and out of the domiciliary three times, and he did time in jail after pushing his wife into a wall during a drunken rage.

“I was sitting in jail, not knowing if I was going to see my son again,” he said.

But with the help of Milwaukee VA mental health specialists, he was able to turn everything around.

“Everybody’s got that different bottom, and you’re going to hit it,” he said. “I’m grateful to have made it — one year sober, two years clean. But I wouldn’t have gotten here without my support system, without the people that God has strategically placed in my life.”

Evenson, whose wrestling moniker used to be “Blazing Ben” for the fire that burned inside of him, is now “Battle-Tested Ben,” signifying what he has overcome.

“I was an asshole, but that’s not my character. That is not what I want to show my son,” he said. “I evolved, and I made that change. I know the person I am inside, and I’m a pretty great dude. I’m proud of the person I am.

“I want to leave a legacy and help other Veterans. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world.”

Overcoming demons

Like Evenson, Lovdahl found himself wrestling with demons after his stint in the Army National Guard and Reserves. But those demons came upon him without warning.

In one incident, he remembered lying in bed, watching TV, when he was overcome by a suicidal urge.

“I had the firearm pressed firmly against the side of my head, with my finger in the trigger well,” he said.

That’s when his dog, a pit bull named Diesel, burrowed between his arm and his head. And Lovdahl’s rage turned to the dog.

“I am not proud to say it: I beat the living crap out of him that night,” he said. The confrontation was enough to get Lovdahl to put down the gun and call the Veterans Crisis Line.

In another incident, he found himself walking through a park, looking for a vine strong enough to hold his weight so he could attempt suicide. But before he could try, a large branch snapped off the tree and fell in front of him.

“It was roughly 10-12 inches in diameter; completely solid,” he said. “There is no reason that branch should have broken.”

He took it as a sign from God. “All I could do was look up and say, ‘I got it. You’re not done with me yet.’”

The police were waiting when Lovdahl got home that night, but he convinced them that the urge to harm himself had passed.

But one officer pulled him aside and said he would be there for Lovdahl if the demons came again. That officer was also a Veteran.

“He said, ‘I will drop everything I’m doing to search for a brother,’” he said. “Since then, my drive, my passion, my outlook on life has completely changed.”

Lovdahl is now a peer support specialist, working with Veterans who are struggling. He described it as jumping into a hole with someone trying to get out.

“I’ve come across quite a few Veterans lately who were where I was,” he said. “And I looked at them and said, ‘It’s OK. I’ve been here before.’ The only way we’re going to (prevent Veteran suicides) is by having Veterans who have been there tell their stories.

“You don’t have to fight that darkness alone. Fighters rise up. That’s what we do. Failure is not an option. We trained to fight an enemy — seen or unseen. And even though not all battle scars are seen, those battle scars do exist.”

You can see Battle-Tested Ben in action during a fundraising wrestling show beginning at 3 p.m. Sunday, May 29, at Sterling Chalet, 1271 Highway 175, Hubertus. Admission is $15 ($10 for Veterans and ages 12 and younger). Proceeds go toward the Veterans Council