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LISTENING TO CLARIFY
One of the most difficult tasks you will have is to be sure the words you hear have the same meaning for you as they have for the other person speaking. So often people hear the same words, but get a different meaning. This is because everything we hear is affected by our own personal knowledge and backgrounds. Often, because we assume we are speaking the same language, we are tempted to assume that we know what the other person really means.
Listening to clarify helps you check that assumption and verify the meaning intended by the other person speaking. This is often true with words that express generalized concepts. Words and phrases like "irresponsible" or "communication problems," or "personality difficulties," are good examples of words that are easily misunderstood. If there is the least doubt in your mind, you need to ask questions for clarification. These questions should be open-ended and carry leads such as:
"I'm not sure what you mean by . . ."
"Could you please clarify for me . . ."
"Please explain to me what you mean by . . ."
"Would you please say a little more about . . ."
LISTENING TO PROBE FOR MORE INFORMATION
Often early in the communication the other person mentions an incident or issue which may seem clear at the time. However, as the discussion continues you may need further clarification. Similarly, if there appears to be hidden deeper emotions, you may want to ask for more information.
At such times, it is appropriate for you to ask such questions as:
"Would you please tell me more about . . ."
"I sense that there is more about . . ."
"I sense that there is more that you need to say . . ."
"I hear some strong feeling in your words. Do you want to tell us more about that?"
"Could you please explain a little more about the significance of this event?"
AS A GENERAL RULE IN PROBING FOR INFORMATION, IT IS BETTER NEVER TO ASK WHY.
"Why" questions are often threatening and raise defenses because they confront the other person's judgment and motives.
IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO USE QUESTIONS CAREFULLY.
Interrupting by asking frequent questions, especially in the initial stages of the conversation, can distract the other person and deflect them from the story they need to tell. Generally, both clarifying questions and probing questions should be held until the other person has completed what they want to say.
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LISTENING TO REFRAME
When both you and the other person are satisfied that all the issues have been discussed, it is helpful t bring the discussion into focus by summarizing the problems. The summary may involve reframing the key problems in the form of interests versus positions.
Reframing is an excellent way to transition into problem solving. At this point, the focus of the discussion changes dramatically from what has happened in the past to what both parties would like in the future.
THE PURPOSE OF REFRAMING IS TO:
Accurately identify interests and needs of both you and other person.
Breakdown and prioritize problems into small manageable parts.
USE LEAD-INS THAT WILL FRAME THE ISSUE AS A JOINT PROBLEM:
"How can we . . ."
"What can be done to . . ."
"What time frame is acceptable to . . ."
PROBLEMS SHOULD BE FRAMED AS INTERESTS OR NEEDS. USE AN OPEN-ENDED QUESTION THAT REQUIRES BOTH YOU AND THE OTHER PERSON TO SEARCH FOR SOLUTIONS TO YOUR JOINT PROBLEM.
For example:
"What can be done to meet ‘X’ need for you and ‘Y’ need for me?"
USING THIS TECHNIQUE MOVES THE CONVERSATION TOWARD IDENTIFYING SOLUTIONS THAT MEET BOTH OF YOUR NEEDS. THIS TYPE OF COLLABORATIVE NEGOTIATION ALLOWS THE NEEDS OF BOTH OF YOU TO BE MET WITHOUT SACRIFICING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Last Updated June 16, 1998.
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